My Broken Heart Woke Me Up

A broken heart seemed to bring me to spirituality. My heart was broken, aching and longing -not from losing a partner, although that was mixed in, life broke my heart. 

I was 22 years old and had grown away from my friend group, including a very dear lifelong friend. I was struggling to stay in undergrad and didn't feel connected to my studies. I realized my boyfriend was not the one and I was living alone for the first time. I was "experimenting" with alcohol and drugs to cope and had a couple uninvited existential experiences. 

I was tough, energetically dense, and it took a lot for me to express vulnerability. Sitting across from my mom at lunch, I swallowed and told her I was really really lonely - realizing it more fully myself as the words spilled out. She urged me to come to a spiritual group she had been leading at her home. Basically a truth meeting, a satsang, with a small group of friends - a meditation followed by a simple teaching and open discussion. 

I found myself at this group one evening sitting with a mix of people snuggled into couches, chairs, and floor cushions. I settled in and felt the aching in my heart I had been trying to avoid. I heard the word awakening and was activated, instantly. I knew deeply this was something very important and everything in life had been coming up short, until this. It's simple, I remembered - this is what life's all about.

It sounds cliche but it truly has remained my deepest truth and most sincere desire. Since that moment, the despair that had followed me everywhere, the feeling of being utterly lost, found it's home and went to bed. I was 22 years old and sitting on a beach of limitless meaning - getting ready for a swim. 

Much has evolved over the decades since, I've had continuous profound awakening experiences. Life is full of meaning and love, but a perfectly broken heart brought me here.